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PARENTS' CORNER |
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Reality Check
by Trisha Thompson |
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FROM
Parenting
MAGAZINE |
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Trisha Thompson
Mom of two and former editor-in-chief of Babytalk
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I'm
Her Mom!
What to do when your child doesn't look like you
Q. I'm
an African-American, and my daughter looks like her blond father. I get asked
if she looks like her mom, as if I'm the sitter. What should I say?
A. It
probably feels like these people are being incredibly insensitive.
But my guess is that they aren't so much rude as they
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assume way too much. You can save them from themselves by
quickly interjecting, as soon as they start oohing and aahing about your lovely daughter, that yes, she has your lips or
nose, but she has her Dad's coloring. And then adding something like "except
that my husband's eyelashes aren't nearly as long..."
It may take a few seconds to sink in, but that ought to help them get it and
help you avoid the annoyance of having to explain that you are the mother of
this child.
My sister-in-law Adrienne gets reactions like this from strangers. Adrienne is
white, her husband is Chinese-American, and their two kids look like the mix
that they are. When she's out with them alone, she tells me,
"people still ask me what country they're from, assuming they
were adopted."
Unfortunately, you may need to brace yourself for years of probing questions
and ignorant remarks. As soon as your daughter is old enough, explain to her
that sometimes people make hurtful assumptions based on looks but that your
family believes in appreciating others for who they are. The best you can do
is to set any curious people straight and then go about your business and your
life, grateful in the knowledge that your child will grow up with a broader
mind (and longer eyelashes).
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Problem Sleeper
Breaking the co-sleeping habit in your
bedroom
Q. My
2-year-old doesn't sleep well unless she's next to me, but my husband wants
her out of our bed. When I put her back in the crib she cries, and I'm the one
who comforts her. How can I get her to sleep on her own — and get my husband
to help?
A. He
needs to pull his weight in helping your toddler become an independent
sleeper. Sitting this one out isn't an option, and you can very nicely tell
him so ("Honey, I really need your help. I'm giving in to Sophie's cries and
bringing her back to bed because I'm desperate for sleep..."). Then draw up a
plan together so that he's part of the solution rather than the one griping
about the problem.
With my own daughter, I found it best to wean a
kid's dependency on us and our warm bed by replacing
her crutches with others that
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she — and you — can still live with. You
might start by telling her in an upbeat way that now
that she's 2, she's old enough to sleep in her own
room for the whole night, and you and Dad will help
her learn how. Then establish and stick to a bedtime
routine — whether bath, book, and a song or backrub.
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the get-go, take turns with your husband so
that the two of you become interchangeable to your
toddler during her presleep hour. That will help loosen her nighttime grip on you, and
get your husband more involved to boot.
You might also give your daughter an old nightgown or T-shirt you or your
husband slept in (unwashed, so your scent is on it) to take to bed and cuddle
with. After you put her in the crib, pat her back for a few minutes, say good
night, and leave when she's drowsy but still half-awake, so she learns that
she can fall asleep alone.
When our daughter, Ellie, got up or cried out in the night, my husband, Fred,
and I alternated going into her room and repeating the standing-patting vigil
for a few minutes (it was worth the investment of time).
Be resolute and Zen-like in your manner, and although it may take weeks or
even a couple of months, your daughter will eventually adjust to the fact that
this is the way she sleeps now. And your husband will see you're serious about
getting her out of your bed, plus you'll feel like you've gotten some help to
make it happen.
Even at age 2, kids will divide and conquer when they think they can. So it's
crucial that you and your husband present a united front. Maybe you've
overindulged your toddler and Dad's been a slacker, but now it's time to stop
pointing the finger and join forces to get your child peacefully asleep in her
own bed.
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Parenting, April 2005
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