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PARENTS' CORNER |
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Loving Each Child Best
by Kathleen Upton Finch |
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SET ASIDE PERSONAL TIME FOR EVERY
ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN |
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I recently learned something about my five-year-old that, judging
from her busy play date schedule, her friends already know: One on one,
she's an awful lot of fun to be with. Out of the shadow of her older
sister and free from competition with the baby for attention, she's a
total delight--good natured, witty, a terrific storyteller. Too bad she
had to be laid up in the hospital with the flu for me to see it
firsthand.
Spending time alone with your kids, no matter their ages and no matter
the circumstances, can do amazing things. Besides
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revealing your child's alter ego, a little "no siblings allowed"
time can help develop self-esteem and a sense of individuality. It
can improve parent-child relations as well as the relationships your
kids have with one another. That's because your undivided
attention--even for just 10 or 15 |
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minutes--will allow your child the rarechance to talk, be heard or
just be the
center of attention without having to fight for the floor. |
MUNDANE
ACTIVITIES GREAT FOR PRIVATE TIME
"You'd be amazed at how many parents say their kids are like different
people when they get them alone," says Nancy Samalin, parenting workshop
director and author of "Loving Each One Best"
(Bantam
Books). Of course, any parent of more than one knows that finding time
for anything is almost impossible, but rest assured that the most
valuable private time is often spent doing pretty mundane things.
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"My son's favorite day is Saturday because of what he calls 'the
three D's,'" says Lisa Fitzsimmons, a mother of two in Darien,
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Connecticut. "That's going to the dump, for a drive and for
doughnuts." Yes, they're chores, but to three-year-old Jeffrey, it's
time alone with Dad--without twin sister Hillary tagging along.
"Anything from grocery shopping to a trip to a diner to playing
Legos on the floor before a bath is a great way to find private
time," says Lisa Spiegel, a developmental psychologist and founder
of New York City's Soho Parenting Center. "Don't keep from making
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the effort because you think it needs to be a trip to the zoo."
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NAME YOUR TIME
The first step to finding private time is to give it a
name--"just us," "the three D's" or my daughter's choice, "Mom or Dad
time" (depending on the parent included). That way the event is real,
just like any school play or birthday party, to be looked forward to and
even marked on the calendar. Giving it a name also shifts the focus from
whatever you spend this time doing to the fact that it's a special date
shared by just you two. "And it reminds your child that you're available
when he needs you, which helps foster a sense of independence," Gault
says.
MAKE IT IMPORTANT
Let your child know that you've set aside time to be
together-- |
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whether it's every Tuesday after school or 15 minutes before
bedtime--and show that you value that time as much as any business
meeting or dinner date. "If the phone rings during your special
time, let the machine answer or tell the caller you can't talk now,"
Samalin says. "That |
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gives a very powerful feeling of importance to your child."
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TIME WELL SPENT
Ask your child what she would like to do during your special time
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together, but don't submit to something you hate. "Your kid will
sense if you're not enjoying yourself--so never agree to more than
one game of Candyland," Samalin says. When Tom Rowe, a father of two
girls who is also from Darien, takes daughter Natalie out for their
twice-a-month lunch date, their policy is to take turns choosing the
restaurant. Not only does Natalie enjoy the grown-up task of
deciding, but Dad knows he's got more than Happy Meals to look
forward to. |
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HEAD OFF INTRUDERS
Siblings are bound to interfere whenever parental private time doesn't
include them, but don't allow them to disrupt. "Just explain, 'This is
the time I spend with your sister, and I'm really looking forward to our
time tomorrow,'" Samalin says. "Seeing that they can count on having you
to themselves sometimes will actually help keep sibling rivalry at bay."
If little brothers or sisters are too young to play by these rules,
schedule private time when they're sleeping or choose activities away
from home.
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If scheduling time alone just doesn't fit your lifestyle, try carving a
little private time out of other everyday activities. "Stagger your
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children's bedtimes to spend a few quiet minutes with each, or choose
one to help you make dinner," Spiegel says. Bath time, driving in the
car or walking home from school all present good opportunities to really
focus on your child. "Ask a question like 'What were the three best or
worst things that happened to you today?' Or ask them to tell you a
story," Samalin says. That
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invitation lets them know they have your ear and undivided attention. |
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"Those are the moments that children and parents will remember
together," Spiegel says. "That attention from parents is, for a child,
like being given something precious." |
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